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MS’s Handwritten Letters
Original Document TITLE/CLASSIFICATION:
“How I missed God”
Original Document DATE:
[Note: “bold-faced type”, “italics”, “underline” and/or “all caps” have been added to certain quotes for emphasis. All added statements/notations are contained in brackets “[ ]”.]
3-8-86 [sic — 87]
How I missed God
Where to begin I’m not sure. The beginning of my failure I believe is that I’ve taken God too lightly. The truth has been taught and demonstrated to me, but too often I didn’t take heed thusly have I fallen. I walked foolishly, uncircumspectfully, presumsuously [sic]. I had received the seeds of truth with joy, but neglected to stand guard and tend to them thusly they brought forth little fruit.
“The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge...” When correction was on me I feared the Lord but as soon as His heavy hand lifted, I got lax. Oh how I neglected my salvation! I did not seek Him with all my heart, all my soul, all my mind, all my strength. My relationship with Him was sallow [sic], superficial. Too much I trusted in me, in my own understanding. “I” has been my biggest idol. How foolish! Time and again I’ve been lead [sic] around by my own big nose. “I” needs this, “I” needs that. “I” think this, “I”think that. “I” needs to do this, “I” need to do that. And I’ve left out the spirit [sic] and the mind of God. How foolish!! Instead of praying over whether I should do this or that I’d just presumsuously [sic] do it. A carnal Christian I have been! Too often I sought to please myself rather than God.
Because “I” was such an idol, I was guilty of murmuring and complaining, because “I” can never be satisfied.” [sic] Satisfaction can be found only in complete abandonment of self to God’s will. The carnal mind is enmity against God and there is no peace to those who excercise [sic] therein. So thusly I complained. I complained about working at the art shop. The job was dissatisfying to me because I didn’t do it unto God—at times I did but too often I didn’t. Now I would cherish the priveledge [sic] and opportunity to serve at the Shops. I complained about day care [sic], because that also was not done unto the Lord. I don’t know why, but I always had a hard time managing children. Probably because God had a hard time managing me. In fact the Lord showed me that much of the reason why I did not have more dominion over the children was because I didn’t let God have full dominion over me. Now I look at the children around camp and they look like angels, clean and pure and I long inside to be able to spend time with them and am unable. I complained about never having enough time to do everything. Now I have so much empty time on my hands that I nearly go crazy with oppression. One day of confinement is as a week. Most of my time I spend in the Word of God but I long so much to be active in the Lords [sic] service. This is my punishment.
I have been a self-willfull [sic] child. I never really took the steps to grow up. Most of the time I was deceived and thought I was alright because I guess I never truely [sic] tried my own ways. Had I judged myself, God’s judgement would not have had to come down on me. But I walked in the ways of my own understanding. Had I submitted to my husband God’s judgement would not have come down, but again I walk in the ways of my own understanding. Oh how I’ve grown to abhor my self!! Self will take you to hell! How I desire to be back under the covering of my husband, my ex-husband. The pangs of divorcement are my punishment.
I have not loved the brotherhood, the sisterhood as I ought. Again I’ve been selfish. I look at everyone now and I desire so much to serve and to fellowship. But I am alone, so alone. Again, this is punishment. I am reaping what I have sown. Oh God forgive me!! He has taken from me those people and things that I’ve neglected so that I might learn to love and cherish them. Yesterday Srgnts [sic] Irene and Brenda were in the kitchen of Barracks 3 when I was doing the dishes and I felt such a love for them. I used to feel a jealousy toward Sgnt. [sic] Irene because she seemed so much more apt than I as a soldier, and because she has such a sensitivity to God. Now I feel so ashamed that I was so selfish to feel jealously, my heart so evil! Where was my care for her soul and for the things of God? Both she and Srgnt [sic] Brenda look so beautiful and so strong in the Lord. I can honestly say that I feel clean inside now toward the sisters. I rejoice that they are growing strong. How I desire to be one with them again.
I have been unwanted leaven in the body, thusly God had to remove me. I see how I was a blockage in the spirit. I see also how I was a missing link in the chain, and being an officer this was especially detrimental to God’s Army moving forward.
I’m sure that there are areas that I’ve missed God that I am forgetting right now. The Lord showed me that I have a spirit of forgetfulness. But continually when I read the word [sic] of God I am cut to pieces. I have been guilty of neglecting studying the Word in the past. Now it has become life to me.
I know words are cheap, but from the deapths [sic] of my heart I desire God. My love and longing for Jesus is as never before. Such sorrow and anguish I feel daily that I have failed Him. I have such a yearning inside to burst out of this prison house and run for God. But it’s Gods [sic] mercy that He has me where I am at. He’s making me real. I could be dead and in Hell. But in His mercy He’s giving me another chance—a chance that I don’t deserve. I have been guilty in the past of resisting His sword—putting up walls and acting as though it wasn’t there. But now there is no running, and as I said, I’m cut to peices [sic]. Resisting His sword brings death. Yielding is the only way back to life. I abhor my self, what’s left of it. My own strength fails me anymore. I feel broken in my will, my heart, my pride. A lot of my ambitions in God were even out of a selfish heart—wanting to be somebody in God. I am made a nobody so that He can become my everything!
All outward appearances seem hopeless that God will ever restore me into His Army. Yet I have faith that He will. I know that nothing is impossible with God. I have been cut, purged, torn down and I believe that God intends to heal and build me up again. I’ve always prayed for a vision of hell believing it would give me an aggressiveness—genuine burden to fight for the souls of men. Praise God, He’s answered my prayer. I have been literally dangled over hell and I feel such a fire inside to fight the devil and lay doun [sic] my life in the Lords [sic] service that it’s burning me up because I have no means to quench it. It’s extremely painful. I can hardly bear it. I want to run but I am restrained. Before Cap’t [sic] [S.] set Barren and I straight about praying we were praying 3 to 8 hours a day—crying out to God for Salvation of our own souls. Oh to be able to enter into the prayer closet for the souls of men! How delightful that would be. I don’t even know if I’m saved myself or not, I feel like I am. I feel nearer to my salvation than when I first believed.
I have failed God and sloppied up my testimony terribly—if I ever had a testimony. I feel like now I have one that would have effect. I surrender all to God. I lay my life on the alter [sic] that He might have it—However [sic] He wants me. Well, I must be honest. I have a hard time surrendering to being Private Forsaken forever if that’s His will. I’m not looking to climb in the ranks, to be a somebody. But the seperation [sic] from the body is so painful and I have such a desire to climb in God. If this is God’s will I have yet more to surrender.
From the deapths [sic] of my heart I cry “Yes Lord, I will obey.” I am willing to lay down my life for my friends—even unto death. After coming so near to facing Hell, dying for the Lord and entering into His presense [sic] sounds delightful.
I am as a blind woman who’s had her eyes opened. I am swallowed up with ever so much grief + sorrow that I’ve failed the Master. Without Him life is void, I feel shattered, broken to peices [sic].
General Jim’s Response to
MS’s Letter #4
[Note: “bold-faced type”, “italics”, “underline” and “all caps” have been added to certain quotes for emphasis.]
MS (Letter #4):
“Because ‘I’ was such an idol, ‘I’ was guilty of murmuring and complaining, because ‘I’ can never be satisfied.”
MS’s daughter, I.S., AKA R.S., states over and over in her “Twenty Million Dollar Lie Exposed” essay, that her mother, after moving from French Gulch’s hippie house to Sacramento, CA, “had everything at that home [in N. Sacramento], yet she COMPLAINED.”
Later the S. family moved to the central area (where we lived) and her mother “complained that she did not have a dryer to dry his [Steven’s] diapers and so Lila Green gave her her own so that she would have no complaint.”
R.S. continues, “...my mother ALWAYS had many complaints and everyone worked overtime to try and help her out of her dependent, wilful, sniveling mindset.”
“She continually complained about not being able to be a working woman like Lila Green...”
“My mother [MS] continued to complain about everything, still everyone tried their best to satisfy her demands.”
“My mother was a poor worker and was constantly complaining and griping...”
“..often, she was like the cripple, carried around by everyone else whilst she continued to complain and gripe...”
“...we always had plenty of everything comparatively speaking. We had plenty of money...food...shelter, yet my mother was always complaining and whining about everything.”
“She continued to complain at me that I was wasting my time doing my homework.”
“She constantly complained to me about her husband and how mean he was because she was so lazy that she would not clean the house and he would ask her to please keep the house somewhat clean.”
“She kept whining and griping till she got the job [at the Art Shop] then she started complaining that she didn’t want to work. Because of her complaining, and griping, the ministry established an excellent day care program whereby mothers exchange day care hours, she griped about this...”
“As usual, she found herself dissatisfied and complaining to General Lila, to my stepfather, to me, to anyone who would listen.”
“She complained throughout the trip [to Africa] and behaved many times as a child...”
“After my mother returned from Africa, she continued to complain about everything.”
“...she was always murmuring about the job, hating it every day and making everyone else miserable.”
“She would gripe about what she had for her lunch...”
“... and complain about getting fat.”
“She was obsessed with fear of weight gain and complained about any food we had served us.”
“...she wanted to quit her job, which she was allowed to do until she complained about being bored and was given another position.”
There you have the words of her very own daughter, which match MS’s indictment against herself in Letter #4.
MS (Letter #4): “One day of confinement is as a week ... this is my punishment.”
This “punishment” was her own doings, not ours! And what about “confinement”? Note the following in the very same letter:
MS: “Yesterday Srgnts [sic] Irene and Brenda were in the kitchen of Barracks 3 when I was doing the dishes...”
Doing the dishes, not “locked up” in a shed, but doing dishes in a community kitchen ... around other people? Your Testimony Under Oath, MS, is just as confusing, implying contradictory things in different places. You said we “held you captive” for 10(?) or 24(?) weeks, implying that you were “locked up” the whole time.
MS (Letter #4): “I have been unwanted leaven in the body, thusly God had to remove me.”
I thought it was the mean ol’ Generals that locked you up?
MS (Letter #4): “I have such a yearning inside to burst out of this prison house and run for God.”
The “prison house” was, of course, her very own mind. Sin is a prison house for anyone anywhere.
MS (Letter #4): “I have been LITERALLY dangled over hell and I feel such a fire burning me up...”
MS, after she left our camp, stopped believing in hell, except her believing we’ll go there!
MS (Letter #4): “After coming so near to facing Hell...”
Remember again, MS admits in her letters that God is the one who was dealing with her; it was He who literally dangled her over Hell and brought her “so near to facing Hell”; it was not the ol’ mean Generals.
Or write the Generals personally at the following address: